Body By Border Collie

Body By Border Collie

Since Other Half came into my life, his goal in life seems to be to plump me up. That, coupled with Middle Age, is doing a fine job of making “More Of Me To Love!” Other Half wants Man Food - meat and potatoes and more of it! Unfortunately, Other Half is also a damned fine cook. It’s hard to resist a man who pushes steak at you that is so tender you can cut it with a fork. Changing his diet simply isn’t gonna happen. But since diet is only half of the equation, I figure that Exercise is the key to taking some of these pounds off. Unfortunately Other Half’s idea of exercise is walking out to the back pasture with cubes for the calves – and if there are too many cubes, or if it’s too far, he’s gonna ride a 4-wheeler. BUT …. there is someone in my family who would make Dr. Oz proud – Border Collie!!!

Lily, the Border Collie, is so health-conscious that she practically poops granola. That little dog is a motion maniac, AND she eats a healthy diet. The dog refuses to eat salt and sugar. (Cross my heart! If I’m lying, I’m dying!!) Give that girl a potato chip and she looks at you like you’re trying to poison her. Drop a cupcake on the floor? It’ll stay there. Girlfriend doesn’t do buttercream frosting! (I know!!! Can you believe this poor dog lives with me?!) Anyway, the dog is shaming me into exercising and eating a little better. After all, if a six month old Border Collie knows that salt and sugar are bad for you, you’d think I’D have figured it out by now!

Her day starts at 7:30 AM regardless of what time I drag in the night before. She slithers across the bed to lick my face and inform me that (in case I missed it) the SUN is up! I don’t like being reminded of this little fact when I’ve only been asleep for four hours anyway, so I end up throwing her outside. The poor Blue Heeler gets thrown out with her. Border Collie entertains herself (and Blue Heeler) by swimming in pond, chasing cats, barking at Porch Ponies, defending the neighborhood from the Trash Truck, chasing the cats some more, staring at the goats, and chasing the cats again. I sleep.

When I finally drag my ass out of bed, it is to ice up a Starbuck’s Mocha Frappuccino in order to beat back the headache resulting from LCL. (Low Caffeine Level) Border Collie peeks through the sliding glass door and begins to bounce up and down in place. By now she has burned approximately 4000 calories. I have burned 4.

With a few sips of caffeine in my system, I am ready to face the day – and the farm. So I open the patio door. Three dogs rush out while two dogs try to rush in. WHY!!!! Every freakin’ morning!!! WHY PEOPLE??? The three dogs that have NOT been thrown outside at 7:30 AM because they don’t CARE that the sun comes up every morning, will rush outside to greet the day with wild joy (the Bloodhound will be baying loudly – yes, the neighbors must LOVE me.) Border Collie and Blue Heeler will try to rush inside. This ends up in a wreck – every freakin’ morning! I step outside door and there is the mad scrambling of toenails on tile as they turn around and run back outside. All Dogs then rush to barn. Border Collie is fast, so she rushes to barn and back six times before I stumble to the feed room. Border Collie has now burned 2000 more calories. I have burned 2 more.

We do our chores – feed and water all the livestock. (Dogs and Humans eat last – they are not livestock.) After chores are done, it is now time to Power Walk up and down street. Since there is not enough caffeine in this state to allow me to walk five dogs at the same time, everyone waits in the yard except Border Collie who runs circles around me when she sees her Pink Leopard Print collar! “YES! YES! YES! We are going for a walk!” By now Border Collie has been awake four hours. She has been in motion for three hours, fifty-nine minutes and thirty seconds.

Power Walk down street as Border Collie bounces along, playing tug-o-war with her leash. I move forward. For each step that I take, Border Collie moves right, left, up, down, zig-zag, tug-tug, and shake-shake. She is often on three legs because one of her front legs will be caught in the leash. She will grin at me from time to time to make sure that I’m watching her. At the end of our workout, Border Collie has burned 6000 calories. I have burned 60.

That pretty much explains why she is a lean, mean, runnin’ machine, and I…….. I like buttercream frosting. Hey! You gonna eat that cupcake?

:)